It is no surprise to me that I am finding my identity changing yet again in this phase of my life as my kids are getting older and becoming independent and I am returning to work. I am meeting new people and learning different skills as I embark on my next “career”. Life for me now is busy and full and I feel happy and engaged. But at the same time I feel a sense of serenity that I have never before experienced. There is a lot of change happening and I am feeling somewhat pulled.
I am doing all of the above as I struggle to pull myself further inland where a calm, thoughtful approach to the world is an always and consistent thing. Are the two mutually exclusive? Can I be a wise, kind, gentle person and be edgy and fun and creative at the same time? Are those conflicting attributes? I crave a sense of confidence that is deep and strong. Thoughtful, mindful living gives me that confidence. But that feels humorless somehow. Humor is important to me because it adds a sparkle. Can I have all of that and remain authentic?
My need and desire to understand the world that I am living in with all of the complex beings involved is driving me toward something that feels contradictory and conflicting. Can a person be kind and compassionate while at the same time be amused at the very things others need compassion for? I do, and I am. I feel tenderness toward the woman who is always proclaiming herself so busy but who stands and holds others hostage as she prattles on and on about the things she just doesn’t have time for. Her lack of self-awareness makes me laugh. Is that unkind? I find her words “I’m just so busy” ironic. The irony is funny to me but I feel a tenderness for this person who truly cannot see that for herself.
So now my question is, can I be a kind, gentle, thoughtful being and get away with being amused by other human beings’ foibles and quirks? I want to believe that God finds us amusing. I want to believe that God laughs at our mistakes but hopes for us to do better and wants us to be more. I choose to believe that our creator is a loving, benevolent being with a wickedly good humor. I will strive for that.